Ive always felt i was disconnected from my feelings. One time, I googled “is there a level below sociopath?”. I wasn’t concerned that I was going to hurt myself or someone/something else. But, normal people cry at sad movies, ex Old Yeller. There i go dating myself. Ha. But, I just didn’t. Not that I haven’t cried watching movies or commercials or shows. But it’s rare.
That being said, I’m beginning to discover I have an avoidant dismissive attachment style. In layman’s terms, it means I hold things in, avoid conflict, don’t feel my feelings, textbook loner. When I feel attacked, hurt, defensive, my mind goes blank, and I can only feel. No words come to mind. If someone asked me to describe how I felt, I would struggle to find the right words.
Another thought that’s been volleying in my noggin, I’ve been chasing happy for a long time. Dying my hair, buying material things, attempting hobbies; but nothing would bring and keep me joyful. And I thought, what if ive been chasing a feeling I didn’t even know. I’ve assumed I should feel certain ways for particular reasons. Including, but not limited to, weddings, funerals, good news, bad news, surprises, scares, etc. I mimick how I think I need to show my feelings on the outside. But inside, I’m at a stalemate. I’ve always felt people had more emotion than I did. I was worried I wasn’t sad enough or excited enough.
So let’s circle back for a moment for me to explain my theory. I always wondered if I was different because it seemed I lacked the spectrum of emotion I saw in others. So I essentially made up how i thought things should feel. In doing that, I was constantly chasing feelings I hadn’t even felt.
My whole life, it seems I’ve been chasing imaginary feelings, only to get frustrated when I don’t achieve it, trying another avenue to give me that serotonin. And while this may be a smack in the face for some, it was a mind fuq for me.
I take these instances as a litte boost to push myself forward, like in a video game, you’re racing along, you drive through a booster and it shoots you forward, with added speed for a period of time. I feel because of the holiday, I stalled in my progress (the holidays do that to us all, amiright) and this was what I needed.
Since I began this self discovery, my life has felt like a puzzle that was taken apart, shaken in the box, strewn across the table and I’ve slowly been putting it back together. Cliché analogy, but it’s accurate. I feel as though I’m rebuilding myself, at work, at home, as a friend, mother, wife. And the biggest part of this puzzle is me, myself, the only person ill know my entire life. So when I put two pieces together, that I first think are unrelated, a lot of things start to make sense. And that, my friends, is where healing begins.
Nightmarish Hollow 