Go big or go home they say
Shame
I feel shame for every one of my likes. I don’t know why, I’m workin through my entire life with my therapist. But I refuse to feel shame any more. For anything, for going to therapy, for struggling with my mental health, parenting is hard yall. I was so stuck in being the textbook perfect wife and mother and friend and daughter and it just got to be too much. At 40 years I felt like I came out of a dense fog of life. I was there for my kids, I have pictures to prove it, but I felt like I woke up from a coma. My life had passed and my babies were big. I felt like I was programed before, always having to say the right things, strive to be the perfect everything, I disassociated so much, I didn’t know who the real me is. So I started this blog/website to think out loud, be honest about struggles and also the wins.
Ive always felt so alone. That I was just different cuz no one else talked about it. So I suffered in silence, believed only i could fix myself and I failed. Over and over again. But I started therapy, worked on myself internally, started making small changes to “test the waters” and while things are still scary, big things are in the works and I’m excited. And coming from someone who hates change, with a deep seeded loathing, I’m so excited to see where I’m going next.
Every decision i make now, no matter how small, i stop and think about it a little longer. How can I do this differently, will I get a better outcome, will i have the time to comfortably fit it into my day? I tend to jump on the yes train, agree off the bat, if nothing else is going on, agree to help/attend/watch/etc to make sure people like you when they like you, they won’t leave you and they’re nice to you. But then I over-commit trying to make others happy, to the detriment of my own mental state, which then exhausts me, pushes me past comfort levels, then I’m agitated, snapping at my husband or kids, and why? Doesn’t seem worth it any more.
Nightmarish Hollow 